I have scars that are hidden to the naked eye. I hide secrets beneath my smile. Not many know my truth, hell I’m still trying to love and accept all that make me, me to include my painful past.
Truth is, I’m not perfect. I’ve spent the majority of my life fronting like I had nothing to hide, as I buried painful memories deep inside my brain. The problem with trauma is it never goes away.
It alters our every decision and if not dealt with, seeps into every relationship we have. I’ve been harboring this pain and trauma since I was a teenager and it’s completely altered my ability to choose a proper man. I spent the majority of my 20’s trying to fix others, when the one who needed healing was myself.
I ran from my past, drowning them out with flings and alcohol until I had my children. When I had my kids, I chose men who needed healing themselves. Not only was I trying to raise my kids, but I held onto this fantasy of fixing men and somehow having the perfect family I had envisioned.
After my divorce I went through an extremely traumatic period in my life in the military and naturally I fell into the arms of a man who was broken himself. Together we made a perfect mess of things and I had my daughter. I was so caught up with the idea of love, I ignored the red flags.
I failed myself by not doing the work within because it was painful and easier to avoid by throwing myself into yet another unhealthy and toxic relationship. When he left me for his past, it was God protecting me from falling into the vicious cycle that had held me captive for a decade. I had work to do and it didn’t involve a man to play house with, my heart had had enough heartbreak.
I didn’t need to fall in love, hell I didn’t even know what that meant anymore. I needed to heal myself and all the trauma I had buried deep within. My whole life I’ve had a love hate relationship with God but lately I’ve found myself praying harder than ever before.
Maybe it was the pandemic, or the loss of control I felt I lost in life but July 20, 2020 truly changed my life. It took coming out of surgery and a conversation with God that I realized my job here on this earth wasn’t quite done. I wanted to go, the bright light was so peaceful and it felt a whole lot easier than dealing with the bullshit here on earth.
I knew my life had a purpose however, I have two small children that depend on me. I had inner work to do, because my purpose had not yet been fulfilled. The pandemic put a damper on my spirits, my failed relationships made me feel as if I failed my kids.
When in reality, the pandemic made me get real with myself. There is love on the other side of heartbreak. The only way to get there is through self-love.
I never took time to find myself as a young mother in my early 20s. Now that I am approaching 30, it’s time. Time I do what sets my soul on fire, because god damn it I’m worth it.
I chose to pursue cosmetology school not because I gave up on journalism, but because it’s part of my self-love journey. I refuse to apologize to anyone for the choices I’ve made, because I’m not longer living for the acceptance and approval of others. I live for myself because I have goals and dreams that are mine and mine alone.
I protect my energy and refuse to let anyone in that wants to shit on my dreams. I protect my energy and refuse to let anyone in that is toxic and has ulterior motives. I can see through people’s bullshit a mile away because I took the time to study others.
Problem is I would ignore the red flags and give others the benefit of the doubt because I was too insecure to be alone. Now I crave alone time. I don’t have time for bullshit and I’d rather not absorb someone’s toxic energy.
I chose to stop making excuses for my life and I refuse to surround myself by those who settle for less than they deserve. I refuse to surround myself by men who are consumed by their past and haven’t done the internal work to level up. I refuse to hold onto friends who make me feel insecure about not having a man when I’m growing and healing from within.
I refuse to surround myself by friends who only use me to feel better about their own pathetic lives. I don’t need a man to degrade me just to say I have one. I don’t need friends who petty me.
I choose to surround myself by positive people who are on the same journey I am, intent on leveling up. I don’t need anyone and that alone is powerful. I’ve pulled myself out of some shit that would kill most.
I did that alone, on my own. It didn’t involve a man. It took strength and commitment to myself, and that’s the only relationship I’m committed to right now. My scars are healing and my self-discovery journey is just beginning.
I dedicate every day to myself, giving myself the love and respect I deserve. The same love and respect that I would give to men, just for them to throw it back in my face. I want a life of peace, happiness and abundance.
I won’t stop until I achieve it, because I’m worth it. I work hard to give my kids the life they deserve. I’m done putting myself and my needs last.
So no, I’m not trying to fall in love with anyone but myself right now. For that I go about unapologetically, as I heal my scars and stand in my truth. Truth be told, I am all I need.
I’m not swearing off all men or relationships, but I’m not settling for less than I deserve. I’m taking this time to figure out who I am and what I deserve. Having the ability to fall in love with yourself is one of the greatest gifts anyone could have.
By falling in love with yourself, you don’t need to depend on anyone for your happiness. I refuse to have a co-dependent relationship, feeling as if I need a man to complete me. I am complete and one day the right man will compliment my life.
Until then, I plan to level up, in all aspects of my life.